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Joke of the Day

"Chemistry, ok. But soulmates? You'd think if our spirits were perfectly matched, they'd be comfortable at the same thermostat setting."

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"Ebola is in Dallas? At least the Dallas Cowboys don't have to worry about it. They can't catch anything."
"I suffer from premature procrastination. It's when you procrastinate before even receiving a task..."
"How did the steak chef at the courthouse like his paycheck? In legal tender"
"What's a racist bakers favourite ingredient? WHITE FLOUR!"
"If I were Mario I'd hang out with Toad all the time He seems like a real fun guy."
"Everyone talks about how May 4th is 100% hands down the best Star Wars holiday ever.... But only a fifth May deal in absolutes.."
"What did the martini say when someone put a toothpick in it? It hurts, but olive."
"How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb? 1 or 2. Now 1... or 2."
"Why is th earth so mean? Because it has a lattitude problem."