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Joke of the Day

"Everyone talks about how May 4th is 100% hands down the best Star Wars holiday ever.... But only a fifth May deal in absolutes.."

"Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies."

"I hate to toot my own horn, but: [sad trombone]."

"A guy goes into a military surplus store... ..and asks the owner if he has any camouflage jackets. He says, ""I've got hundreds, but I can't find any of them!"""

"How do mermaids have babies? Sea-sections"

"FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don't do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*"

"What do you call a spontaneous man named Lee? spontaneously"

"Frank has no arms. **Knock knock who's there?** Not Frank."

"What did the angry Indian man say at the bakery? I'm having naan of it."

"A vegan, an atheist, and a Crossfitter all walk into a bar. I should know, they all told me."