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Joke of the Day

"Why can't Michael Jackson play chess? Because he is dead."

"Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels"

"A lot of women can turn into good drivers. Now that being transgender isn't taboo."

"When someone shows you they don't want to be a part of your life, let them go. I'm not saying you can't make a voodoo doll of them, though."

"I bumped into my old English teacher. He said, ""What's new?"" I said, ""It's an adjective."""

"Did you hear about the vintage attache with a perfectly working clasp? It was a classic open-and-shut case."

"A) I don't care who is stalking my twitter B) I don't care who is saying terrible things about me C) I don't care - OH! Free iPad??? *click*"

"My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream ""three-way"" ice cream & I'm not sure I'll correct her cuz I'm a horrible person & it makes me laugh."

"Girlfriend The other day, my girlfriend called me a pedophile... But what does she know, she's only 7."

"I knew my girlfriend was cheating on me when she texted me saying ""I'm out for dinner with my friend Emma"" because Emma was lying beside me in bed"