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Joke of the Day

"How do a neckbeard's cells divide? by m'tosis"

"Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it's more of a beached-dad-bod."

"I went to buy a Christmas tree today The cashier asked me, ""Will you be putting that up yourself?"" I reply, ""No you sick fuck I'll be putting it up in my living room!"""

"How does a potato keep up with it's friends? With Google chromosome+"

"Did you hear about the Mime Murders? It was an unspeakable horror"

"If your name is Ray and you're a racist it's not gonna take us long to give you a nickname."

"Isn't it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn't think so but that's what my new best friend is telling security"

"My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day. And something about listening."

"""May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?"" ""Um, there's no such thing."" ""There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!"""

"What's the difference between an Isis camp and an orphanage? I don't know, I just fly the drone"