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Joke of the Day

"How do you get out of tipping on a $100 order? Order to go. Seriously, fuck you if you do this."

"I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought ""nah""."

"How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. She holds it up to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her."

"Jokes That don't work written down There were 30 cows in a field, twenty ate sheep, how many didn't?"

"I was in an Arby's bathroom taking a leak and the urinal cake fell to the floor but it was there for less than 5 seconds so I still ate it."

"Why are Pentacostals so good at kissing? They have the gift of tongues..."

"Let's get a beer Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'"

"Hey, Morgan Freeman. Donating $1M to Obama's campaign isn't going to make him get older faster so you can play him in the movie."

"Me: (Insert inspirational quote here) Wife: Wow. That's deep, who said that? Me: I did. Didn't you hear me speak just now?"

"A feminist is someone I could really get behind."