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Joke of the Day

"I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought ""nah""."

"What's the difference between Jelly and Jam? I can't Jelly my dick in an ass."

"Why wasn't the astronaut paying attention? Because he was spaced out."

"[wearing a 'World's Greatest Dad' t-shirt while talking to the bartender] ""The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8."""

"Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD"

"What do you call a pothead with two spliffs? Double jointed"

"In all the alternate universes, in how many is Kim Kardashian super famous and in how many did she just get fired from a Wells Fargo?"

"How do tectonic plates have fun? They meet up and crack each other up."

"Husband Wife Funny Wife: ""What are you doing?"" Husband : Nothing. Wife : ""Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."" Husband : ""I was looking for the expiration date."""

"What did Russians used to light their houses with before candles? Electricity."