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Joke of the Day

"Candidate, with lisp, interviews for executive position at Citibank Interviewers: ""Alan, where do you see yourself ten years from now?"" Alan: ""Running shitty bank."""

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"[on a speed date] *2 min long fart* ""It was nice meeting you."""
"wherever this dart lands is where I'll take a trip to *throws dart and it lands on Hogwarts poster* oh, well this is going to be difficult"
"Massive fall on Wall St today... Nope, wait, just Hillary fainting."
"*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn't reply to my last 43 texts & then you tweeted about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?"
"[NSFW] What is the best engine ever made in this world? A vagina! 1. It takes any size pistons. 2. It auto lubricates itself 3. every 28 days it performs automatic oil changes."
"My nan's star sign is cancer. It's pretty ironic how she died. She was eaten by a giant crab."
"Who is the oppostite of Cristopher Walken? Christopher Reeve"
"How dare you call me naive! I'd sue you for slander if I hadn't sent all my money to that Nigerian prince."
"Talking to retirees in the complex. They don't care how many followers I have. They're all ""D-Day this, Iwo Jima that."" Guh. UNFOLLOW."