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Joke of the Day

"How can you tell when an idiot's depressed? Go stand in front of a mirror"

"How you turn a washer into a snow blower? Hand her a shovel"

"My remaining Scrabble tiles were PENSI, so I played the name of a long, hard body part ... ... SPINE."

"Most young lives are lost not because of seat belts, but because the defibrillator needs you to sign into Facebook first."

"I think the girl I just met may be a goddess... because even though she's never talked to me, later tonight billions will be massacred by my hand in her name."

"[roommate hears me come in] ""how was the date?"" [face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I'm allergic to shellfish"

"I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down."

"What do you call a person who doesn't care that he just got kicked out of a Call of Duty team? *unfazed*"

"Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file."

"You know it's good sex when the neighbors call the police and a priest."