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Joke of the Day

"me *sneezes* cw: Bless you me *sneezes* cw: Allergies? [flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to] me: Yeah, I guess so"

"""So, you speak German?"" ""NEIN!"""

"How do you weigh a Hipster? In instagrams"

"woah. you can say ""Houston we have a problem"" in messy situations that have nothing to do with astronauts or texas? this changes everthing"

"What's another name for dick pics? Junk mail!"

"Two scientists walk into a bar... One asks for a H2O, the other asks for a H2O too. The bartender hands them both glasses of water and asks them why they're talking in scientific terms."

"When I move, I don't pack my belongings. Because I live my life outside of the box."

"How do men in New Zealand address their women? ""Hey! Ewe!"""

"What do you call a piece of pasta that doesn't have any friends? Cannelonely!"

"I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven't even read it yet, but somehow folks think it's cool to give key plot points away"