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Joke of the Day

"[Gets Twitter error: ""Somehow, somewhere, something went wrong""] I know Twitter, I know. That's why I'm here."

"Turns out Danny Devito isn't so short after all... ...just found out the figurines on his parents' wedding cake were actual size."

"I don't understand you,"" cried my girlfriend. ""One minute you're really offensive to me and the next you're really polite."" ""Bitch, please,"" I said"

"A man just threw a glass of milk at me...... how dairy?!?! Shout out ATH"

"What do you get when you kill a body of water in a comic book? A Deadpool."

"The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi."

"Women Studies? im pretty good at studying women *leans against bookshelf knocking it over. Creates a domino effect that destroys t/ library*"

"If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE."

"So I was on tindr today and someone offered me a $125/hr ""girlfriend experience"" So she expects me to pay her 125 an hour to argue with me in the middle of an Applebee's!?"

"Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?"