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Joke of the Day

"Getting to the point now where we should just try to get the water out of the oil."

"I'm really good at making jazzy versions of rap songs in my bathroom but I don't know how to put that on my resume so I'll just demonstrate?"

"I'm not a racist because racism is a crime And crime is for black people"

"Dad said I need to be the rock for a friend who is having a tough time. Currently practicing that eyebrow thing & wrestling moves."

"Seriously, Twitter. Do NOT import my contacts."

"[first date] Her: I love your scent, what is it? Me: desperation."

"Why did the one handed man cross the road? To get to the second hand store!"

"I like to sit and stare at the Chinese take out menu for an hour and then order the exact same thing I did the last 20 times."

"I want to marry the smell of gasoline and have little gasoline smelling kids with it and spend the rest of my days smelling my family."

"What do you call the moisture build-up between two cousins having sex? Relative humidity"