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Joke of the Day

"My Italian grandmother just got a stair chair lift, I asked her how she likes it... she said ... ""IT DRIVES ME UP THE FUCKING WALL"""

"I want to hold you till the end of time, or until I have to pee."

"me: just tell me I don't die in an Arby's bathroom stall Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived"

"The life of a dog living on the street is... ...RUFF, RUFF-RUFF, RUFF!"

"oh i'd definitely choose flight over invisibility. i'd fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere"

"How to know she's the one? Jerk off twice and if you still wanna jerk off, then She is."

"My girlfriend went blind I hear when people lose one sense, it improves their others. Maybe she will improve in her sense of humour."

"PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did my assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol"

"How to cure affluenza? Introduce him to Warhammer."

"You're not really a parent until you swat blindly into the backseat, hoping to connect with a kid."