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Joke of the Day

"[ad for umbrellas] [cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet] ""There must be a better way!"" Voiceover: UMBRELLAS"

"They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son's face so parents grow up fast too. I've already become my grandmother."

"My wife showed me her baby photos. She said, ""Here's one of me when I was 3."" I replied, ""Wow, and there's me thinking you were like a fine wine."""

"Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? Its ok he worked it out with a pencil"

"How do you stop an Internet troll? Seize their memes of production."

"Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas"

"Who is missing an egg? there are 27 people in the room but on 53 eggs, you know what that means, someone is missing an egg."

"Q. ""Why do the commodes in Marine barracks have the cut-out type seats?"" A. ""So that if the seat falls while they're drinking it won't smack them in the back of the head"""

"My sister told the police that I mistreat my pets. My own little sister! I guess that's the thanks I get for giving her a goldfish necklace."

"You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like."