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Joke of the Day

"My ""Savings Account"" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets."

"Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back."

"Waiter: Did we decide? Date: Yes, I'd like the Sirloin. Medium rare. Me: And I'd like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen."

"My friend said she's had kidney problems since she was 7 I told her it's fine cause once she turns 18 she'll get adult knees"

"What did the Joker say when he was at McDonalds? ""May I take your order?"""

"Dear Girl Scouts, Your Mints did not make me Thin. ps. Please send more."

"Today, I looked in the mirror and didn't even recognize myself... Then, I realized it was a window."

"I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift. But I couldn't find a manual."

"I'm an early bird and a night owl, so I'm basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon"

"Never look back. If Cinderella went back to pick up her shoe, she wouldn't have become a princess."