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Joke of the Day

"According to my Nike Fitbit I masturbated 4 miles today"

"Whenever I get called into my boss's office, my entire Facebook career flashes before my eyes."

"The 70s had it right. Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music."

"There are three kinds of people... The ones who say the glass is half full, The ones who say the glass is half empty, And the one who thinks you should have gotten a smaller glass."

"needs to stop keeping the cocaine next to the coffee creamer. I screwed up again. drinking a cup now and it has that weird milky taste."

"How did the pig get out of the tree? The swine flu (joke my dad made up a couple years back during all this)"

"Two homeless guys are watching a dog lick it's nuts... ... One says to the other ""I wish I could do that"" The other scoffs and replies ""you'd wanna ask him first"""

"Honey, I'm afraid we can't get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay. *looks at Xbox* Thank you sir. You've changed my life."

"I'm thankful to live in a time where I can use social media without having to use social skills."

"What do we want?! A cure for Tourette's!! When do we want it?! Cunt!"