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Joke of the Day

"These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don't tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order."

"I never realized how overweight my thumbs were until I tried typing on an iPhone."

"A guy walked up to my bar. He said, ""Can I have a stiff drink?"" ""Of course,"" I replied, cracking some Viagra pills into his whiskey."

"One of the worst things about being deaf has to be the inability to tell whether people are yawning or screaming..."

"Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant Me: Oh my god [later that day] Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That's for inventing milk"

"9: My room is clean. Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."

"Have you ever had sex whilst camping? ...It's fuckin' in*tents*!!!"

"Two Texans taking a leak off the GW Bridge on a December night Man, it's cold. Yeah, deep too!"

"8yo Me: *sneaks candy* 14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes* 18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol* 43yo Me: *sneaks candy* Being an adult is stupid."

"Where do poor meatballs live? In the spaghetto"