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Joke of the Day

"I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin."

"Hot Neighbor, you forgot to take your shirt off before mowing the lawn again. Come on. Our imaginary conversation about this was very clear."

"Happy birthday to Jay Leno. Born April 28, 1950. Dies nightly at 11:35 eastern, 10:35 central."

"JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this. *stings person* FRIEND: That wasn't dis... JELLYFISH: Wait a minute."

"Did you hear about the new car that instead of using gas, runs on Carbon, Oxygen, Carbon, and Potassium? It's a real guzzler."

"An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you're out of eyes."

"However rich and successful you are, your cat will never see you as an equal."

"I like my women like I like my microwaves... ... cold on the outside, and kills any baby that you put inside."

"My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone ""Target is on the move."""

"What is the difference between Ironman and Ironwoman? Ironman is a superhero, Ironwoman is a command."