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Joke of the Day

"My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone ""Target is on the move."""

"If I don't clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial."

"The airport lady at passport control saw I was American & warned me there were no McDonald's past security. I feel very profiled & grateful."

"Coworker: What's your phone number? *looks up from phone* Me: I don't have a phone. *looks down at phone* Coworker...."

"I don't know or care about anything, unless I'm currently reading, or have read in the past 3-5 minutes, a think piece on the subject."

"What do you call a gay assassin? Ass ass in"

"[Gets cut off by a Pruis] *Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me* *Prius spins out of control* Thug life."

"The worst kind of human contact is ""eye contact through that crack in a bathroom stall when you're pulling up your pants"" contact."

"So I was walking down the street, when suddenly it hit me... I guess I was too deep in thought to notice that bus coming."

"I met a dyslexic woman at a bar last night... I took her home and she ended up cooking my sock."