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Joke of the Day

"The Bible is subtitled ""Shit My God Says""."

"One time I intentionally asked a thin woman ""when she was due"" because I was bored. So yeah, I guess you could say I'm into extreme sports."

"Its too expensive to put up Christmas lights these days. I'm just going to hire a bunch of Mexicans to sit on my roof with flashlights."

"I always party like it's 1999. Standing in a corner talking to nerds about The Matrix."

"What's the difference between a bumble bee and someone with allergies? One is a pollinator. The other is a pollen-hater."

"Why was the lion alone and disheartened? He lost his pride in a bet"

"911: What's your emergency? THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE 911: Barista? IT'S A GUY. BARISTO 911: No, it's still- Nm he's dead now"

"Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system."

"A man calls in sick... ""It's my eyes,"" he says. ""What's wrong with them?"" his boss asks. ""I just can't see myself coming to work today."""

"Guys, don't ever tell a girl that she's yummier than a gummy bear, she'll know it's not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear."