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Joke of the Day

"MISSED CONNECTION: I gave you the Heimlich maneuver on Bleecker St. You insisted you weren't choking and put up a good fight."

"Honey I'm home from Costco. ""You didn't buy anything stupid this time?"" [looks outside at kayak strapped to roof rack] Define stupid?"

"Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster"

"The KKK was a conservationist group. They just wanted to put the monkeys back in the trees."

"Scented toilet paper girlfriend: is this toilet paper scented? Me: I'm not sure; my asshole doesn't smell so good"

"I'm diabetic, so could you pour some Splenda on me instead?"

"Girl 1: ""Can I invite a few friends to your Halloween party?"" Girl 2: ""Sure. The more the scarier!"""

"My tweets are only motivational if your motive is to become an asshole."

"A Rabbi and a Priest are walking in the park when they see a little boy. Priest: ""Hey let's go screw that little boy"" Rabbi: ""Out of what?"""

"I had a dream about mufflers last night... I woke up exhausted"