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Joke of the Day

"I was throwing banana peels at other cars because I'm out of turtle shells, officer. Duh."

"For some mysterious reason, whenever I use a keyboard I always press the wrong keys. I just can't put finger on it."

"Whats green and yellow and eats nuts? Gonorrhea!"

"How many dyslexics does it change to take a light bulb?"

"On our honeymoon, more than anything, I wanted to join the Mile High Club... ...but my wife didn't give a flying fuck"

"I got accepted into Harvard's medical program I just have to die first and give them my body"

"What's the hardest part about eating vegetables? The Wheelchair."

"Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request."

"Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks."

"""Have you tried sleeping? Okay. And you've had enough burritos lately? Hmm. Well, this is puzzling."" - me as a doctor"