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Joke of the Day

"I'm so hungry I could eat this piece of paper. *adds salt to resume*"

"My roommate and I don't get along. It's because I'm a cat person and she's a bitch."

"[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug] What's this? ""It was Rover he w.."" *dog makes throat slice gesture* ""It was me. I shit on the rug"""

"Did you know that if you stab a salad 23 times, It becomes a Caesar Salad"

"I have a bumper sticker that says ""Honk if you think I'm sexy!"" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!"

"What manner of evil contract with the devil must I enter into so I can get eye drops INTO my eyes?"

"Why do they say you are what you eat? I don't know but everyone calls me an asshole."

"What is this 'wrong hole' you people speak of?"

"Rude lady to me, ""Well I'm sorry but you don't LOOK sick to me."" Me, ""Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don't look stupid."""

"Reddit, you are just like my dad... No matter what I do, it will never be good enough for you."