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Joke of the Day

"Next time the cashier asks me if I want ""Paper or Plastic"" I'm just gonna say, ""Doesn't matter to me, I'm bi-sacksual."""

"Whenever I'm down in the dumps, I get myself new clothes. They smell a little bit but at least they're free."

"A real man can feel embarrassed only two times in his life... the first time when he can't manage the second time, and the second time when he can't manage the first time."

"Friend: just make small talk *later, on date* Me: so...grains of sand Her: uh yea- Me: dwarves Her: are u okay- Me: bottle caps"

"Sharks don't sleep so I'm pretending I'm a shark except one that sings along with Lady Gaga. I'm Lady Sharkshark! Anyway, totally drunk."

"What did the carrot say to the DJ? Lettuce Turnip The Beet"

"How's a divorce like a hurricane... There's a bunch of sucking and blowing, but in the end she takes your house."

"Let's make it weird. Dont worry. I'll start."

"Most people have a schlong You have a schlort"

"When people ask if they can get me anything, I always ask for a jetpack."