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Joke of the Day

"16yo [talking w friend]: fam that's lit af, tell bae and the squad that it's on fleek PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid's having a seizure"

"Two mexicans are playing Call Of Duty... It was A Juan v. Juan match."

"My friend is so silly that he spent two weeks in a revolving door looking for the doorknob!"

"i wish you could click ""save as"" on puppies"

"What is a penguin? A swallow who ate after 6pm."

"They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it. -I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs."

"Humans: we're not like snakes Also Humans: mmmm eggs"

"my spirit guide told me to scale the shelves at Cosco and build a nest with toilet paper"

"What does an identity thief look like? A mirror."

"You're 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?"