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Joke of the Day

"Press Conference: How do you respond to accusations that you over sexualize everything? Me: *slowly takes entire microphone into mouth*"

"If whores, witches, ghosts and hobo's show up on my doorstep, I can only assume it's Halloween because our family reunion was in July...."

"Me: Pack your bags.I won the lottery! G/F: Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff? Me: Doesn't matter, just get out."

"I just saw a black guy driving a BMW and doing the speed limit. I'm following him until he pulls over b/c I know he has drugs in the car."

"The difference between a smart man and a wise man is that a smart man knows what to say, a wise man knows whether or not to say it..."

"Say friends, why is it tough to play poker with cattle farmers? They're always raising the steaks!"

"As I was going to St. Ives I met a man with seven wives And that fucker looked depressed."

"How is 'crazy' like a freshly baked pie? You have to let it cool off before you put your dick in it."

"Happy Birthday, black Jesus."

"it must be killing england not to be able to make fun of our dumbasses because their dumbasses did brexit"