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Joke of the Day

"Having the option to erase and re-record after having to leave a voicemail is one of my favorite things about life."

"[coming through customs] Okay Sir 1 last thing before we're done. Is there anything you'd like to declare? *slams passport* ""I've had sex."""

"What is the favorite scientific unit of the French? RPM ( Revolutions Per Minute )"

"Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably sh!t."

"I've messed up, I'm gonna be arrested for crimes against light... I'm gonna be sent to the state prism!"

"[making small talk at a business function] ""You're 35 aren't you?"" ""No, I'm 38"" ""Oh right"" [long silence] ""Did you used to be 35?"""

"If a woman has sex with a hundred men...... She is a considered a slut. If a man does the same thing, he is gay."

"When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me."

"Breaking: Fox News reports Obama is no longer a suspect."

"Ouija board just told me it's still waiting on a grandbaby and I was like lol Mom when did you die"