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Joke of the Day

"Good friends are like toasters... If you throw them down the stairs, they probably won't make toast for you anymore."

Next Joke
 
"What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in your bath? Throw your laundry in!"
"My friend with OCD keeps hitting F5... he says he finds it refreshing. I told him he needs help, now he keeps hitting F1. (edit- thanks to r/supremesnicker for the better punchline.)"
"What does Sean Connery do with his quiche? He opensh hish doorsh with them."
"[OC] How did the author get from one plot point to the other? A Segway. --any tweaks to make it better?"
"BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson's next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu."
"I have a joke about capitalism. I'll tell it to the highest bidder."
"What did one paedophile say to the other? Swap you two fives for a ten"
"Not to brag, but I have the high score on 7 different blood pressure machines around the city. *enters initials"
"Why are high school girls only 13, 15, or 17? Because OMG, they like LITERALLY can't even."