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Joke of the Day

"Me: was I born with a mental disorder? Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again Me: NO Mom: ? Me: I thought pants would be different"

"I'm hesitant to go ahead with my new plastic surgeon since he said he could give me ""the parts of an animal"" I was all gung-ho before, but now he's given me paws"

"My mom said she's going to dig a hole in the garden and fill it full of water.... ....she means well"

"Why did the hipster burn his tung? Because he drank his coffee before it was cool..."

"What do you call memories of zombies? FLESHBACKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"If pronouncing your b's like v's makes you sound Russian... Then *soviet!*"

"I SAW ON THE NEWS THAT SOME GUY IN ANOTHER STATE DIED ARE YOU OKAY - my mom"

"I have a fear of speed bumps... ...I'm slowly getting over it."

"""How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I'm good."""

"Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don't need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities."