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Joke of the Day

"If you're 17 and your 200 year old lover won't turn you into a vampire so you can be together forever, he's just not that into you."

"How many 210 lb policemen does it take to throw a 140 lb suspect down 3 flights of stairs? None, he fell."

"Jackson Pollock - great painter piss poor pictionary partner"

"Whats the first word a swede says after its born? wouaaa wouaaa wu wu welcome refugees"

"I'd make an Apple joke... But they'd probably remove it."

"My dad's joke. 'Did you know there were Female hormones in beer?' Because, if you start drinking too much. You don't have the ability to drive, and you get fat."

"When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along."

"If history is any indication a lot more stuff is bound to happen."

"""If you can't beat them, join them,"" I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast."

"Give a dog a bone and he'll be like, ""Oh wow, I love these, thanks"" Teach a dog to bone and he'll be like, ""dude, I got this"""