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Joke of the Day
"My wife just woke me up to tell me... Wait. June is over? You must be... JULYing."
Next Joke
"What's the best joke you've heard"
"CNN Poll: 50% of Bernie Sanders supporters drink whole milk, 35% drink 2% milk, and 15% drink skim milk They all hate the 1% though"
"You know what cats don't like? Blow dryers. You know what's funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat. Anyway, I lost an eye today."
"Giving birth is terrible for a cow's hips... ...but it's great for their calves."
"[Favorite joke from Letterman] What goes into thirteen twice? Roman Polanski."
"I hate when I'm telling my best friend a story and she gets all judgmental and walks off to get a drink from her water bowl."
"4yo: What happened to the fish? Me: It drowned. 4yo: ... Me: ... 4yo: ... Me: ... 4yo: Must have been a really stupid fish."
"*gets shot* ""Lassie im hurt, quick get pa"" *Lassie gives me her paw* ""lol i see what you did there girl"" *we both laugh as i bleed out*"
"""i am equally happy on the couch watching netflix or at a party with friends"" = ""the human condition is one of sickness & contradiction"""