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Joke of the Day

"Q: What does Santa call his wife at tax time? A: A dependent Claus."

"I hate when people ask me what I'll be doing with my life in 5 years... I mean, come on, it's not like I have 2020 vision."

"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl urinate? Because of its silent P."

"A woman's heart is as tender, vulnerable and fragile as a man's balls. Don't break hers and she won't break yours."

"How would you rate an average upholstery job upon completion? Eh. Sew-sew."

"Your ex-girlfriend has endorsed you on LinkedIn for ""Ignoring Glaring Personal Issues!"""

"My desires are... unconventional. (Hands you a phone and makes you call my boss and quit my job for me)"

"ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That's a hand print"

"The average life expectancy for a human being is one life."

"I always cry before getting intimate with a girl Does someone have tips against pepperspray?"