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Joke of the Day

"I'm always behind the person at McDonald's who acts like they've never seen the menu in their life"

"Why do men like masturbation? It's sex with someone they love."

"Christopher Nolan and Leo Dicaprio walk into a bar and then they walk into another one"

"A guy tried to fight me for $0.25 I gave him no quarter."

"Freedom of speech only means you can't be jailed for it. You still have to be accountable for what comes out of your stupid, bigoted face."

"How does an abstract artist paint? They wipe their ass with canvas."

"Guy told me I have ""Bambi eyes""...is that even a compliment? Oh god, please don't shoot my mother."

"Things a raccoon and I have in common: 1) Dark circles around the eyes. 2) Likes eating junk. 3) We're both cute but will kill you."

"Sometimes I take out my headphones, walk to class, graduate college, get married, file for divorce, and then finish untangling my headphones"

"A local grocery bagger has been bagging cola on top of bread. Many were concerned that their bread would be flattened. His response to their concerns was ""It's fine. They're soft drinks"""