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Joke of the Day

"I have a confession about my time at the movies recently... Okay, fine. I'll admit it: I'm bad. I take women to The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug and I never Gollum back."

"Tread lightly on the path, as we all have a journey to make. Unless you're super hungry, in which case you're allowed to mow people down."

"Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped prison? He was a small medium at large."

"I look forward to using the phrase ""I'm gonna fuck you til you're pregnant!"" in bed when we decide to have kids."

"Breastfeeding in public is a great way to get hit on. Especially if you forget to bring your baby."

"A roman centurion walked into a bar, raised his hand and signed the waiter to get him 2 martini. The waiter gave him 5 instead."

"My surgeon says I'm the easiest patient to work on. Because I'm gutless, spineless, and my brain and colon are interchangeable."

"Why is the ocean blue? Because all the fish in there goes ""bloo bloo bloo"""

"A friend of mine died from a sore throat... ... Th**e**y hung him!"

"What's the difference between a complimentary cocktail and major brain surgery? One is a free bottle in front of me, the other is a pre-frontal lobotomy."