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Joke of the Day

"Dog's Facebook status: Tried to save the master from the vacuum cleaner today... He just yelled at me."

"Do I believe in free will? Well I have no choice."

"A husband and a wife were at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. ""Och, I look like a pig!"" The man nods, ""And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"""

"If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I'm a bad parent... A bad parent with an ice cold beer."

"My N'Sync tattoo? I got it to remind me not to make impulsive decisions based on fleeting trends that I'd regret for the rest of my life."

"Pokemon Go is just like Grindr... but for kids. And you try and catch Pokemon instead of catching AIDS."

"Don't you hate that feeling when you close your eyes to apply shampoo, and get paranoid that someone will kill you in the shower."

"""My research shows that vegetables triple in vitamin content when used as pizza toppings,"" said the awesome scientist in my imagination."

"What do you call an Italian hooker? A pastatute!"

"As a child I was absolutely terrified of weather forecasters ..until I realised they weren't to scale."