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Joke of the Day

"""What are you doing? Are you writing down everything I'm saying?! IS THIS GONNA BE A SONG?!?!"" -anyone dating Taylor Swift"

"A guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, ""Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..."""

"What do you call a special needs kid who is late for class? ""tardy"""

"In regards to those who lost a loved one to the Air Asia flight disaster... Don't worry there are plenty of fish in the sea. (Too soon?)"

"I so want to be in a relationship. I want to account for everything I do. Answer to someone when I come home late. And get dragged over the coals for not calling a hundred times a day."

"I'll bet the lady on this bus can't fart. She'd never shut up long enough to build the required pressure."

"If you ever Google ""Gary Oldman"" For fuck sakes don't forget the ""r"" in Gary!!!"

"I tried making a belt that had a watch for a buckle ... it was a waist of time."

"What do you call a cunt squared? A box."

"I became a victim of my own crime, I just sat on a toilet seat after I left the lid up"