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Joke of the Day

"Yes, mother, I have gained weight. No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people."

"I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger And then it hit me."

"People dont like having to bend over to get their drinks... We really need to raise the bar."

"You've said it before and I'll say it again -Plagiarists"

"Why do rapists make great salesmen? They just can't take no for an answer. For the record I don't condone rape."

"Two condoms are walking down a street... When they come across a gay bar, one condom turns to the other and asks, ""What do you think? Feel like getting shit-faced tonight?"""

"[using Ouija Board] ""Will i ever find true love--"" ""NEW GHOST WHO DIS"""

"*lowers head *breaks thru 5 tackles *hurdles lineman *runs 100 yards *hamstrung at goal line *dragged back to line of scrimmage -my wedding"

"All the guys here in San Francisco are super nice. They keep asking if they can push my stool in. Even when I'm already sitting down or there are no chairs around."

"[first date] me: they know me here date: *reading sign on wall* ""No Puppetry""? me (proudly): I'm the reason they have that"