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Joke of the Day

"[first date] me: they know me here date: *reading sign on wall* ""No Puppetry""? me (proudly): I'm the reason they have that"

"There needs to be a Meat Likers Pizza for those of us afraid of commitment."

"There's been four dudes wandering around our local cemetery all morning. I think they've lost the plot."

"My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral."

"So I was about to roll a joint with a page from the Qur'an... But I decided that I didn't really feel like getting stoned."

"Last night at an Indian diner the server walks up to me and asks ""Curry Ok Sir?"" I said ""Alright, just one song and then you can fuck off""."

"I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day. It was a shock to the cistern."

"Your mom is so fat Even Jesus couldn't lift her spirits up."

"Every mirror is a vanity mirror."

"ME: It would ring, and we would... Answer it. TEENS: but, like, how did you know who it WAS? ME *staring into the distance* We never did..."