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Joke of the Day

"Of course he's a ""jolly"" rancher. He's herding candy. I'd be fucking delightful if that were my job."

"If you do not eat your candy corn in three separate bites, starting from the big yellow end to the small white end, I hate you."

"I saw Death walking out of my house today... I guess Grandma won. Again."

"What do you call a group of gay cavemen? Homo erectus."

"DUDE: first of all ME: oh shit this dude's about to make more than one point"

"[Dollar Store Interview] ""What are your qualifications?"" [Slides over a dollar] ""Cashier job is yours"" [Slides $2] ""Welcome to Management"""

"Some relationships can survive only online."

"A way you can tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist ask them to pronounce the word 'unionized'"

"My wife and I were talking about obscure animals. She said, ""I want to get a manatee."" ""That's very generous,"" I replied, ""I take it with two sugars."""

"So, I'm painting a big blue rectangle in my backyard. So Google Earth will think that I have a pool :/"