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Joke of the Day

"When people talk to me I cut them right off and say ""I don't believe a god damn thing you just said"" then start making otter noises."

"What do you call a roman emperor with epilepsy? Julius Seizure"

"watching movies with my kids is like getting stuck in a trap on mt everest Tangled and then Frozen"

"IPHONES... When I wants to talks to someones."

"A young woman rolled her eyes towards me, So I picked them up and rolled them back."

"Walked past a hero turned to stone I guess the gods took him for granite"

"Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person's eyes I want them to whisper ""Ew, ew, ew, ew."" while doing it."

"Why is the area between the boobs and the ass called the 'waist?' Because you could easily fit two more boobs down there."

"My phone never asks me to put my husband down."

"""Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom"" the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth"