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Joke of the Day

"Look dude, I'm going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party"

"Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing."

"A french pastry was stalking me this morning I felt really creped out"

"Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower."

"Shout out to that old cop in movies, talkin' 'bout how soon he's gonna retire & go sailing with his wife. Dude is about to get BLOWED UP!"

"I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs."

"Three things that are certain in life~ 1) Death 2) Paying taxes 3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ...."

"Dogs are great for meeting girls. Pack of dogs attack a girl she's gonna need to go to a hospital. Who's gonna drive her? That's right. You."

"Me: Your cat looks pregnant Friend: Impossible it's an indoor cat Me: What have you done"

"I was going to yell ""Surprise!"" but missed the opportunity, now I'm stuck standing behind a curtain wondering when this becomes stalking."