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Joke of the Day

"Did you hear about the new Die Hard where Willis Infiltrates a Corrupt Nunnery? ""*Bad Habits Die Hard.*"""

"I can't find the thing that I fuck every day, so I asked the kids.... Apparently the dog died two days ago."

"I used to do drugs... i still do, but i also used to."

"I ""Liked"" your comment on my status update because I'm too lazy to respond."

"Sorry if this comes across as offensive... Two dyslexic men attempt to rob a train. One man shouts to the carriage ""Air in the hands motherstickers!"" The other man shouts ""This is a fuck up!"""

"My Grandfather has hearing aids. He got it from phone sex."

"I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something."

"My boss asked why he didnt see me at work on halloween. I told him I went as god. I clearly was never there, and all the work that got done I did not do."

"I tried smuggling child porn across the border once.... and i would've gotten away with it if it weren't for those fucking kids!"

"Me: Hurry up kid. We're gonna be late for school 6 y/o daughter: *begins eating each Lucky Charms marshmallow individually*"