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Joke of the Day

"make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet."

"Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because everyone who can run, jump or swim is already in the states."

"They're calling the internet a drug now. Don't worry, though. It's not as bad as Cocaine or Heroin. They're calling it a 503 bad gateway drug."

"So I was watching Fox News the other day"

"Cream? Sugar? Fuck you, I want 2 cubes of chicken bullion in my coffee. I've got man's work to do."

"Did you here about the guy who's whole left side was cut off? He's all right now."

"It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs... ...they always take things literally"

"To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You're a bad person."

"Apparently the Royal Family is running out of money. They're down to just 26.5 million ...Which is what happens when nobody in your family has had a job for the last thousand years."

"The liquor store cashier asked me my birth date so I said ""12-25-0000"", and stared into his eyes majestically."