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Joke of the Day

"A woman in New York is suing a Manhattan salon for $1.5 million over a bad haircut. The last time I saw a disaster like that with clippers was Donald Sterling."

"How do you ask a tyrannosaur out to lunch? ""Tea, Rex?"""

"doctor: ""how much exercise do you do per week?"" me: ""um.. does sex count? doctor: ""yes"" me: ""absolutely none"""

"At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die"

"A co-worker is retiring, so they're passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more."

"An alcoholic wakes up in jail He asks the first police officer he sees ""why am I here?"" the officer replies ""for drinking"" The man replies ""great, when do we start?"""

"Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he'll eat for a lifetime."

"Treat your women like your smartphone; touch them a lot."

"What is a pedophile's favorite guitar chord? A minor"

"Two fish are in a tank... One fish says to the other 'how the fuck do you drive this thing?'"