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Joke of the Day

"""Damnit!"" -a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps."

"Two peanuts walking down the street... one gets *assaulted*."

"When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder...does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?"

"The reason I like Twitter is because the ladies on here LIKE being followed. Unlike like little miss restraining order down the street."

"Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn't make a funny, cat-shaped hole. Not even close."

"What state is a person in when they've just been made fun of sexually on the internet? E-reckt"

"Polish remover Hitler. The game Sequence has a wicked sense of humor."

"The Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and Manti's girlfriend walk into a bar... Rimshot!"

"What do you call Benedict Cumberbatch in The Imitation Game? Homogeneous."

"MAYOR'S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it's really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket"