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Joke of the Day

"[First date & I'm super nervous] Her: Are you ok? Me: yesh. Her: did u just say yesh? Me: um Nosh."

"What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk!"

"That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive"

"[farts on a windy day] Go. Be among your own kind."

"Man, I hated Alex Haley, the author of Roots... He always had his niggers in a *twist*."

"Snoop Dogg repackaged himself as Snoop Lion, and then went on to become Snoop Carrot, The first rapper who is also a raw carrot"

"I thought I would be proud of sealing all the Christmas cards myself But the whole ordeal just left me with a bad taste in my mouth."

"I went into Whole Foods tonight and yelled, ""Somebody's Labradoodle just jumped out of a parked Subaru!"" and everyone ran out."

"Toy Story (1995) - A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs."

"All of the fortune tellers I've met are either really depressing or overly enhusiastic. Why can't I find a happy medium?"