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Joke of the Day

"Siri, answer all of my toddler's stupid questions."

"went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser"

"Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad."

"I'm not superstitious, I'm just a bit stitious."

"Why was the scarecrow promoted? He was outstanding in his field."

"[Dinner date] I'm a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I'm kinda a momgirl ""You mean tomgirl?"" Don't talk with your mouth full."

"I went to the store to get six cans of sprite... ...But when I got home I discovered that I'd picked 7-up."

"I know what piece of currency Harriet Tubman should be on a .60 cent coin"

"My cooking is so great.... ...that firefighters like to come and watch."

"I really got in touch with my inner self tonight... I'll never buy that cheap toilet paper again!"