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Joke of the Day

"It's just not sanitary to let people get under your skin."

"What's a sheep's favorite type of alcohol? Mutton-schnapps."

"[Takes dog to park] *waits for romantic comedy to begin"

"My IQ came back negative."

"How many emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. Four to sit in the dark and cry about it and one to write the song."

"Why should you not visit the Ukraine with your fly unzipped? Because if you don't, Chernobyl fall out!"

"By the volume of the pans clanging and slamming in the kitchen... I think I'm supposed to be volunteering to help with something"

"Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency! Me: *grabs tools* Neighbor is naked and wet Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?"

"What does a Mexican use to cut pizza with? Little Caesars!"

"My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn't reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink."