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Joke of the Day

"[Takes dog to park] *waits for romantic comedy to begin"

"Going to the bathroom isn't the problem It's the shit that I have to deal with every day."

"Wait...so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face? -me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks"

"Yo Mama so poor... ...that when she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken she licks other people's fingers."

"Why do so many dyslexic vegans move to Dallas? For the Sallad"

"I like to help my children think up cruel nicknames for the other kids at their school."

"What do Germans and acetone have in common? They are both good at removing the Polish!"

"""Oh fuck, of course!"" -unicycler seeing a bicycle"

"I like my eggs like I like my women Beaten"

"If someone is a vegan, does crossfit, and has a rescue dog.... which one do they tell you about first?"