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Joke of the Day

"implant permanent instagram filters on the cornea of my eyes so everything I see looks nostalgic and vintage"

"I buy my own f*cking lemons because you know what? life doesn't hand anyone anything for free."

"What's the difference between feminists and Nazis? The Nazis had a purpose"

"I like my diamonds like I like my steak. Bloody"

"The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one"

"*phone rings* Wife - ""Quick! Pretend I'm not in!"" Me - *strips naked and does running man* Wife - ""...."""

"What is the difference between a beautiful dress and a bottle of Whisky? A beautiful dress can make one girl look gorgeous... A bottle of whiskey can make all girls look gorgeous."

"Steve wrote home. 'I'm glad you named me Steve' he said in the letter. 'Why?' asked his mother in her reply. 'Because that's what all the kids at camp call me' he wrote back."

"If you could create a pill, what would it be for and what would the side effects be?"

"What do you say to a black guy selling drugs? *""Hello, mr. pharmacist.""* What did you think it would be, you racist?"