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Joke of the Day

"*brings donuts to work* Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat. Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut."

"She asked for my name, if I'm alone, had me remove belt/shoes & take out what I have in my pants. Interactions w/TSA agents are underrated."

"""Oh, this one? It's an excuse to tell a story about my life that only I think is interesting"" - literally all tattoos"

"Where can you go to send a soul to heaven? An abortion clinic."

"*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I've been*"

"Me to My Neighbour we get it. you can hold your breath (*looks at watch*) for 19 days. Quit showing off and come out of that pool."

"I hate when women try to talk about sports... You don't see me in the kitchen telling them how to make a sandwich."

"New lesbian species of dinosaur discovered. Lickalottapus."

"There's so much nudity on TV these days, it makes me so angry. I just sit there, shaking my fist."

"Facts and science no longer matter. Remember the Renaissance? This era is the opposite of that."